?TRUE INTIMACY: A SIMPLE DECISION?
When I was a kid, my father cheated on my mother.
My mother then kicked him out of the house. Neither had the courage to own their triggers or to clarify boundaries within a commitment of true intimacy.
So my inner child learned…Bad behavior = You’re outta here!
This has lead to me attempting to be a people pleaser, ignoring my own needs in favor of others simply due to fear of rejection.
Today, that fear is already showing up in my new relationship. She’s highly sensitive and feels everything I’m feeling. She hears my thoughts, even if I’m in different country. It’s a bit terrifying having absolutely zero internal privacy, but this level of intimacy is exactly what I’ve been asking for. I adore it profoundly.
And then…real life. After emotional events such as speaking with my traumatized mother…and I’m feeling all kinds of things…(anger stands out)…I’m afraid of how my partner will respond. Will I be kicked out? Rejected?
I’m afraid that if my partner feels my anger she won’t want to be around me. Like, ever again. My wounding is afraid that I have the ‘wrong’ feeling. And the masculine mind says I need to attain ‘the right feeling’.
Well, this is a bit of a conundrum isn’t it? On the one hand there is no ‘right feeling’ or ‘wrong feeling’. That is such superficial bullshit.
On the other hand, it’s actually true that my lady needs to have boundaries in place so she’s not bombarded with my unprocessed stuff unless she consciously chooses to hold space for that.
My key is courage. Courage to surrender.
My anger only exists because I’m fighting with reality. I’m wishing my mother was different. I’m wishing I were different. My partner is not asking me to be someone else or to ‘do’ anything. Under the anger is always grief. Always. That’s how we’re layered.
Surrendering to this energy is not something we do, it’s something we ‘undo’ and ‘uncreate’. It’s giving up the fight. Giving up the fight completes a traumatized timeline. It’s letting divine Mother move through us…which simply put is feeling our emotions fully.
I know ‘to feel’ is a verb in English and it sounds like something we ‘do’…but actually it does us. “I am” the verb. Subtle but major difference.
So what does feeling fully look like? In my perspective, we must first establish safety in order for feeling our emotions to even be possible. Safety brings joy. Joy is who we really are. “I am” joy, and so if joy is always present then no emotion can remove my sense of safety. If we anchor a sense of joy, simultaneously with any emotion (not instead of but alongside) we are suddenly safe to feel it all.
If I allow the joy and safety of being surrendered….the burden is removed from my partner and she feels closer to me. That level of responsibility is all she’s asking for. I don’t need to leave…in direct conflict with what my wounding believes…she actually wants me present.
I truly believe that this process of feeling our deepest pain can be a deeply delicious experience. People are so scared of discomfort….until they recontextualize it and see it as a challenge. Imagine the stress of playing a video game like Mario Kart…racing against the other player can be uncomfortable because we never know what’s going to happen. Anything could happen.And that’s what makes it fun. That’s why we signed up.
Yes…Life is a video game. Context is vision.
When we give ourselves the gift of vision, simply seeing the bigger picture of what’s unfolding…. That context provides us with the safety we need to surrender to what at any given moment could otherwise seem like chaos from the wounded perspective. It’s not chaos, it’s just bigger than our current emotional body can fathom.
We are become comfortable with moving our consciousness into the void of the unknown beyond where our emotional body had ever been, trusting it’s safe there. Just like we sign up for an experience of the unknown when watching a movie or playing a game or going on a date.
Next time an uncomfortable emotion comes up…my invitation is to take joy in the experience as an unfolding of the inevitable deeper soul reveal which lies in store.
The very thing which feels unsafe, feeling the intense unbiased voltage of our stuck emotions, is actually the safest thing we can do for ourselves in the long run. This is literally the key to eradicate disease from the planet.
My partner is not rejecting me in not always wanting to process with me…. she is helping me to energetically set new standards for myself. She trusts that I will honor her boundary and the needs of her sensitivity by embarking on this courageous journey of surrender to that which seems like chaos.
A true beloved will take all triggers as an opportunity to grow the intimacy of a partnership. A true beloved will be grateful for being handed ever increasing responsibility in the discomfort of our humanity.
There is no more settling. The time has come to own our worthiness… to be in partnerships which truly serve us. It’s a simple decision for both to make, you’re in or you’re out.
And the truth is, we ALL have enough courage to do this. We are ALL capable. If you think you’re the special individual who was born with a courage deficiency, you’re lying to yourself.
This single intention will create such phenomenal space for the surrender of the feminine…we are stepping INTO the fire….because we are the flames and these burns are holy.
I honor your courage beloved.
Let us know if we can assist you.
Thank you for playing this game.
Also published on Medium.